Why Christmas can be tricky for the highly sensitive, deeply empathic and neurodivergent, and tips for finding helping you find your Christmas cheer...
Let me be upfront about something before we begin… I do not have the best past relationship with Christmas. This is for so many reasons, but it is one I have been working hard to heal. Whether Christmas is your ideal time of year and you love it, or it fills you with dread and leaves you feeling floored, let’s take some time to consider how this time of year may be experienced by those of us that are extra sensitive and ways that will help you to honour your needs this Festive season.
Christmas, while full of opportunities to recoup, celebrate and connect, can also be full of challenges too. When looked at through the lens of high sensitivity, experiencing deep empathy and a heightened risk of overwhelm, we can appreciate the potential pitfalls for us extra sensitive souls.
Sensory Overload
This is a biggie for me. If you are highly sensitive in any way, then this time of year can be overwhelming - even if it is also enjoyable. The trait of high sensitivity literally means that our senses are, well, extra sensitive! They pick up more information - all of the time. Not only this, but our brains have greater connections and fire more readily in response to all the stimulation out there in the world. Another aspect of high sensitivity, is that along with more information coming in, that information is also processed more deeply. Considering the combination of being wired this way, with all that the festive season offers, it is easy to see how it could be an extra overwhelming time. From the twinkly lights and decorations, to the Christmas songs and sweet treats, our super 'spidey senses' are being stimulated at a higher level than normal. Even if it is enjoyable, it can still be too much and lead to feelings of overwhelm at some point. It can also feel that there is very little down time during this part of the year, which is exactly what our nervous systems need in order to be able to integrate and process all that extra stimulation in the world.
Cognitive Overwhelm
Amongst this backdrop of extra sensory input, our deep thinking brains are doing their best to navigate the logistics of everyday life, as well as all the extra things that need to happen on the run up to Christmas. From gift buying and wrapping, planning who will be seen and when, to organising donations for the school Christmas fair and sorting out the food that needs to be bought, stored and prepared... It can feel like an extra full-time job and is ripe for feeling stressed and overwhelmed - however your nervous system is wired. There can also be SO many expectations around this time and often, those of us who are extra sensitive are prone to a conscientious and caring nature, making it easy for us to take on too much and go above and beyond for others.
From a neurological perspective, the actions involved in preparing for the holiday season all involve the executive functions of the brain to be on top form. These functions include, planning, attention, working memory, problem solving, multi-tasking, emotional regulation and cognitive flexibility. These functions can all be impacted during stressful times, during perimenopause, as we age, with mental health conditions, and are commonly affected in neurodivergence such as ADHD and Autism. All this extra thinking can be extremely draining and can lead to us feeling fatigued before we even get to the big day itself. This is likely for all of us, but if you are extra sensitive, think deeply and find all those executive functions a challenge even at the best of times, then you are more likely to experience feelings of exhaustion the closer Christmas gets.
Emotional Intensity
The holiday season also brings with it greater potential for emotional intensity. It is that time of year when obligations often see us socialising more and even spending time with those we wouldn't necessarily choose to spend lots of time with. We might even end up seeing those family members or friends that we find particularly difficult. Many HSPs, empaths and neurodivergent folk have also often had some experience of their needs being dismissed, or received the message that they are too much or not enough in some way growing up. These wounds can therefore resurface as we spend time with people who have given us that message. Connected to this, there might be an element of ‘putting on a show’ just to get through time spent with those we find tricky. This too can be super draining on our highly sensitive nervous systems and raise difficult emotions in our bodies.
Even when our families are super supportive and there is nothing but love and care between its members, extra sensitive folk feel everything deeply - including those emotions that are not ours. When spending an increased time with people, it means more time for us to feel and soak up the emotional experiences of others. As well as this, if we struggle with boundaries, then we are more likely to absorb others feelings - whether pleasant or not. Again, this is an extra load for our sensitive bodies to hold and more emotions to be felt and processed.
Another element involved in triggering big emotions, can be around gifts. Those of us who are extra sensitive, deep thinkers and big feelers are often super thoughtful, and put lots of thought into the gifts we buy. The effort that we go to in order to find the right gift for each person, can be an energy drain in and of itself. However, an extra layer can be feeling hurt if receiving a gift from a loved one that we feel hasn’t been thought about on the same level. This might be added to even further as we feel guilt about seemingly not being grateful!
As well as all this, being neurodivergent can also mean that understanding your own emotions may be tricky. When you feel so big, those feelings can be complex and it might be hard to put words to exactly what it is that you are experiencing. It can also be hard to figure out which feelings are yours and which are not. Being extra sensitive, also can mean that there is a pull to be more 'out there' in the world, tending to other people's needs and the environment around you, rather than tending to how you feel within - especially if it is uncomfortable.
All of the above elements, combined with the decreasing amount of time and space for yourself to recoup, can cause feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and fatigue to creep in.
With this in mind, let me now share with you some of the main strategies I take to look after my sensitive self as the Festive Season approaches. I share them in the hope that they may help you enjoy this time of the year as one to slow down, reconnect with yourself and savour those experiences that bring you the most joy.
1. Prepared and Aware
Just before the festivities really start to kick off, look at your plans for the holiday season and ask yourself honestly the following questions.
What is my energetic capacity right now?
How do I really want to spend my energy?
Which activities do I really want to savour?
What do I need most during the next few weeks?
Asking these all important questions, can help you become more aware of how you are feeling going into the Christmas period and give you that chance to connect with what you need and want. These questions can be a great starting point for a family discussion too, so that everyone in the house is aware of each other and helps to communicate expectations clearly.
A Christmas-Free Nook
If you know sensory overwhelm is a big deal for you, then you might want to tame the lights, decorations and other Christmas paraphernalia this year. You might opt to go for a more relaxed and peaceful Christmas vibe, without it being too much. You could also choose to keep the Christmas vibe to just one or two rooms insyead, or if that is not possible another option is to simply set up a small zen space you can retreat to and rest in when things get a bit much. This space does not need to be fancy. In fact, a space that is cosy yet minimal would be a perfect environment for wired senses to restore.
3. Say No.
This one is hard. Really hard. It is so much easier in the short-term to nod and be agreeable. It can also be hard to connect to your true feelings in the moment when someone invites you to another event. However, this is one of the biggest reasons HSPs and empaths burnout. The well trodden path of saying yes to something, when you really mean no, actually results in a no to yourself. This is why it is so important, ahead of time to be honest with yourself about how much energy you have going in to the holiday season, and which events you do actually want to be fully present for. Yes it may mean 'letting people down', but by saying no to the odd thing will ensure you have energy for those things and people you want to spend time with the most. If saying no is a struggle, try the following strategies to help you practise doing it:
Use phrases that give you more time to consider - e.g., 'Thanks for the invite, I will check and let you know'
Communicating via text rather than in person
Connect to your body and notice how you feel as you imagine saying yes. Do the same saying no - which feels more authentic?
Practise alternative no phrases - e.g., 'Thanks for thinking of me, but I am not able to', 'Oh it sounds lovely, unfortunately, I can't make it', 'Thank you for the offer, but I am prioritising rest this year'.
Before and after communicating your 'no', take a few moments to close you eyes and take some deep breaths. Recognising and feeling the discomfort can help build your ability to tolerate it in the future.
4. Set time limits.
This has been huge for me. I love seeing my special people, but I still get weary no matter who it is. I now do not have open invitations for anyone, especially those folk that I know have a habit of staying past the point that I can manage. So when arranging social events, consider communicating an end time, as well as the start time. Those who know and love you will understand, and those that don't are likely to be people who it is best not to spend too much time with anyway. What I have noticed as this has become integral to my life, is that those who get it are often really grateful themselves for the boundary, helping to protect their energy as well as yours. Trust me on this one – absolute game changer!
Buffer Time.
Rather than going from one thing to the next, extra sensitive bodies need integration time, like plants need the rain. Look at the calendar, work out what it happening and how much down time you may need in between. Be honest and realistic. Understanding this, will also help you to navigate your 'no' as well, because you will have a clear idea of all that you have already committed to when someone asks you if you are available.
6. Alone Time EVERY DAY.
This is my absolute NON-NEGOTIABLE. I need time alone everyday to re-set. This is something I do throughout the year, but is even more important during the holidays. Depending on how I feel at the time, that alone time might be a short walk in nature, some yoga, meditation, simply sitting with a cup of tea in the quiet, or even a good old nap! I know over the holidays this can feel tricky to find, but it is all about communicating your needs to those around you and organising your time in such a way as to make it possible. Even if it is just 10 minutes, it can make the world of difference. The important thing about this alone time is that it is time to decompress – not take more stuff in. So put the phone down, switch off the TV, and depending on how overloaded you feel, you might even put that book away. This is not time to put more in, it is time for you to pause and be. Believe me, it works.
Move and Breathe.
While this time of the year is all about retreating and resting, for those of us with sensitive systems, a little mindful movement can help integrate all the extra 'stuff' going on and is particularly useful in processing big emotions. In addition, it allows us to stay connected to our bodies, which in turn can aid us in not forgetting our own needs. As our breath is direct doorway into managing feelings of stress, it also gives us time to breathe slow and deep, in order to release any tensions of the season.
Put YOU on the list.
What is your thing? The thing you enjoy doing, just for the sake of it? The thing that fills you with joy? Whether it is a clear day, with nothing but you, a good book and a roaring fire, or a hike in the wilderness - plan it in! What you want for Christmas is just as important as everyone else's wishes. Time spent filling your soul with joy, is always time well spent and you will likely slide into January feeling more 'cup full' than if your desires have been ignored.
These are just a few of the most effective things I have introduced over the last few years. It can take practice and sometimes it is not always comfortable when introducing something new, but I promise you’ll benefit and you are more than worth it! Christmas needn't be a time for you to end up depleted and overwhelmed. It can be a time to cherish and nourish your sensitive soul, the way YOU want to.
Nichola Day
Yoga & Meditation Teacher, Therapist, Writer & Neurodivergent Advocate
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This made me smile! I now explicitly show or tell my husband what I’d like. It makes it easier!
I definitely identify with the emotional intensity. I now buy my own presents from my kids and husband. Not as special as them making the big effort as I do with their presents, but at least I get something decent!